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A friend of mine has a plaque in her kitchen that reads, “What memory will you make today?” It always reminds me of the opportunity each day holds. At the core of these memories is our family’s identity. In my opinion, creating and shaping family traditions is one of the most rewarding and enjoyable parts of parenting. I love to find ways to express the unique, quirkiness that lives inside our home and defines who we are! When my triplets were beginning to notice and explore their individuality as three year olds, we began referring to the family as something separate from themselves. This was the first step, introducing them to the concept of family. 
For example, when cleaning up their toys we would say, “You are doing such a great job helping the H**** Family.” When heading out the door to go for a family stroll we’d say, “Okay, H**** Team, let’s go for a walk!” Or when we were doing something especially fun like visiting the zoo or playing at the playground we would say, “Boy, it’s great to be a H****”. Around four years of age, we introduced them to their family history through Sunday Memory Night. Each Sunday my husband or I will tell a story about our childhood or our parents. Sometimes we link the story to the character issues we are working on at the time. For example, I’ll share how sad I was in first grade when a boy at school called me a name. We’ll talk about how there are words that can hurt people and how to handle those situations. These mini-lessons in character training during non-conflict times really stick with them. Since my husband’s parents are deceased, many times he’ll use these Memory Nights to help him introduce his children to the grandparents they’ll never know.One thing I wanted to work towards was family dinner. For a long time we ate in shifts, the babies would go first and the adults would go last (if there was time!). I wanted to get out of that cycle and sit down together without the TV on or the phone ringing. I also wanted a way to reinforce how special each family member is to each other. The answer? Special Plate!Special Plate works like this, if it is your Special Plate day then you get to eat dinner off of a bright sunny yellow plate and there is a voltive candle at your place setting (although for little ones you might want to use a heart figurine or something similar.) At dinner we go around the table and each person has to say something the Special Plate person did that day that they appreciated or that they thought was special. 
We started this just shy of four years old and they have always adored this time when the whole family’s attention focuses on them. At first we had to help them with their words and shape their answers for them. They needed to be reminded what happened that was special during the day and how to phrase it. It didn’t take long for them to get the hang of it! Plus, everyone gets a turn, even Mom and Dad. I just love to hear what my kiddos decide I’ve done that merits acknowledgement during dinner when it is my special plate day. It also forces me to tell my husband what I appreciate about him that day in front of our children. We also use Special Plate to solve all the great debates in our house. What TV show should we watch? Special Plate Person gets to pick! What game should we play? Ask the Special Plate Person! This is great since Mom doesn’t need to be the heavy or the referee. It is out of my hands, Special Plate gets to decide and you can’t argue with Special Plate. The unexpected bonus is seeing the words and feelings of special plate spill out into our day to day lives. I’ll hear them help each other and say with their cute kiddo accents, “Brother, I appreciate you helping me find my Barbie.” Warms the cockles of my heart! At five years of age we introduced the “Secret Family Handshake”. Now of course I can’t reveal this well kept secret to you! But let’s just say that a good family handshake might comprise of squeezes to the hand you are holding that reflect the syllables of a phrase like, “I love you” or “You are special”. The other person could then echo back the phrase with hand squeezes or change the squeezes slightly. You’ll have to use your imagination! Maybe your family could use its own cheer or its own song. Yes, at some point your kiddos will roll their eyes at you but you can bet you’ve made a memory that will stick and someday will be looked back upon with fondness. The latest thing I’ve introduced is Show and Tell- family style! The Special Plate Person gets to pick out a small prized possession that they will share with the family. Before dinner and while no one is looking they put this item on a cake stand in the middle of the table covered with a dish towel. Once we are seated the Special Plate person reveals their cherished item and shares with the family why they think it is so great. We ask lots of questions about it like, “What do you do with it?”, “Where did you find it?”, “How does it work?”. 
Someday I want my children to look back on their childhood and remember not just the memories but a sense of family identity. It is my wish that in this hurry-up, stressed out world I will have carved out a sacred space where they feel they belong and are an integral part of a collection of joyful experiences. 
A strong family identity a net that can catch kids when they stumble. Unfortunately our family identity has been fractured due to divorce. Guarding our family identity has been one of my main parenting goals. The challenge is how this identity will shift as the years after our divorce. I still don't have a ton of great ideas regarding how family identity can be protected and fostered after divorce but I'm working on it. What I do know is that our family identity will be the connection, the legacy I leave to my kids. Have you thought of other ways to do this? E-mail me and I'll post the responses here. 
